Thursday, November 09, 2006

Betrayed vs. Blessed

James 5:16

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

I want to share my heart with you.

I woke up one week ago with blurred vision and increasingly high blood pressure. I woke up one week ago speculating that 3 long months of bedrest would soon be ending-2 weeks or less I thought to myself. I woke up not scared, not worried, not thinking that my long journey of difficult and unknown times would be ending in days, not weeks.

I would like to say that the next week that unraveled was a time of great strength and godliness for me. I wish I could say that I worked hard through each moment to glorify God and be a great witness for His kingdom...

I wasn't though. None of us wake up each morning thinking today may be our last. That would be a glum world and life to live. Even I did not realize a week ago that the days to come could be my last. I did not see the events as "serious" or "life-threatening". Thank GOD that in our weakness He is strong. Thank GOD for friends, family, and church family that prayed over me and BELIEVED that GOD can do anything-even when I called on Him not.

I am able to say that I was borderline incoherent-so I'm not really feeling so hard on myself (as it may sound). I am glad for what I remember and for what I don't (I think:-). I went into Friday evening (the proposed time for delivering Owen via c-section~my first c-section) thinking on the verse above-knowing only the part about the prayer of the righteous man is powerful and effective. I was able to find out the reference and think on this verse throughout the afternoon-while I waited to meet Owen. While I hoped for the best but still waited for the worst.

It is incredible to think back on all the thoughts and emotions I spent thinking on his life. Wondering what would be....

I went into Friday evening, with surgery imminent, thinking I was about to have a baby-very small and sickly, with a possibly fatal condition. Very likely unable to breathe on his own (preterm or not) and afflicted with a skeletal condition causing dwarfism. I had months of test results from multiple doctors and ultrasound locations and technicians "prooving" these things. I was thankful to be prepared even as little as I knew. I was hoping for the best but thinking realistically that the worst may happen.

Preparing for surgery I was prayed for and over multiple times-even as the surgery was nearing and the days to come unfolded-the prayers of others grew as my focus on God weakened and I distanced myself from reality.

The events after the afternoon of Friday the 3rd go blurry as I was highly medicated and increasingly ill. When 6:46pm rolled around-I hardly can tell you that I knew Owen was here. Everyone around me though, knew that not only was he here, but that God had performed what seems to be a miracle.

Owen was born breathing, crying, small. He peed alot too, so I hear. I was not processing, nor believing what was being told to me. I couldn't quite grasp that 3 months of medical results from specialists upon specialists was -well, wrong. Owen was perfect. I still couldn't see it-I waited for the worst. I couldn't (and still can't) understand. No one can explain it.

The next couple days were also a blur as my condition did not improve. I was hardly able to lift my arms or legs (I could hardly press the button on my nurse call light to ask for help).

How could this happen? Have I been betrayed?...

The results that have come from my 3 months of bedrest weren't betrayal at all. I am finally starting to accept that I have a newborn now weighing in at a puny 2 pounds 9 ounces fighting for his life. He's been a fighter from the start-even when his own mother wasn't accepting that he might just be "ok".

None of us know what is to come. We don't know our own futures, nor that of our children or family. We aren't promised a great future of health or strength. But I am blessed. I have so many things in my life and hopefully future that all define blessed. I was blessed even in my darkest hour-when I was far from God-in our weakness, He is strong!

I focused so much on what would be the outcome of Owen's arrival that I lost sight somewhere along the journey...of course I don't know what is to come. All of life is unknown. It is a great mystery. It is a wonder and blessing that we get to discover and see what develops along the way. It is our honor to grow in our walk with the Lord and bring glory to Him! We have the responsibility to be prepared and to plan to our best ability, but none of us know what is to come. We can only pray that God be glorified through our journey.

I find myself, as I finally start to accept Owen's arrival, realizing I am concerned for his future since we do not know what his health will be. I am finally finding great comfort though, in realizing that none of us know what our future health entails. I will be given the grace to accept and work through what God has in store for me.

I am being redundant on this point-I know, but it is so powerful and vivid to me right now.

The 3 months I've spent growing Owen will now fade as a distant memory as each day reveals new things for our lives with him. I now pray for his future-whereas before, I prayed that he would have a future. Actually, I covet your prayers for his future~he has a long way to "grow".

I hope this story of my heart makes sense. I know it's kinda out there-we all know we shouldn't share things in emotional moments when we can't sleep. It has been a long, emotional journey-and it's not over, but just beginning. I'm thinking that spanish rice can't compare to the tears and emotion that have (and continue to) poured out of me over the past week.

I can hardly believe a week has passed. But, it also doesn't seem like 7 years have passed since my title as a mother began-November 9th, 1999 when TJ arrived into this world 5 days overdue weighing in at 8 pounds 3 ounces. What growth I've experienced since his blessed arrival. Now I can boast of 3 miracles, at least until they wake up and start tearing up the house, getting fingerprints everywhere and causing what seems to be unending piles of laundry.

It's funny-does God think to Himself when we, His children go to bed, "Ahhh...they are finally asleep".

I'd have it no other way-isn't that the key to the heart of a mother? We'd have it no other way.

I have so much more I could share...I am humbled to be able to share these ramblings with you-thank you for your interest and for sharing in the journey with me. God has been so good-I pray I continue to think on the blessings in my life as I work through more trying times as Owen (and all my family) grows and as more bumps in the road occur.

I plan to keep updating this blog with his progress and pictures. I hope you'll check back and continue to keep us in your prayers.

I am blessed to say I believe in miracles~I have proof that they exist. Mine came in a 2 pound, 13 ounce body-see picture below-Thank you Jesus!


Nicole said...

Dear Renay,

Thank you for such a beautiful and honest posting. It made me sniffle! You and your family are in my prayers, and I am cheering for Owen. Grow, baby, grow!

leslieV said...

Another post that's left me bawling... We're so happy for you guys and glad you're starting to feel better. Owen AND you are miracles indeed!